Having completed my first week of the challenge. It made me realise just how much work is required to get good at this skill. Having done a lot of activities in the past, I have to say that this is hands down the most difficult thing i've ever had to do.
Not because of how tough the skill set is, but because of the outrageous amounts of rejection you experience when going out.
Now granted, failure is expected with everything you do when first starting out. But the pain of actually getting turned down by someone who you considered attractive, is very hard to actually deal with. It hurts your ego on a massive scale and you start to have doubts creep up in your mind about your desirability and attractiveness.
I know logically, that it's not a realistic thing to believe in because there are many variables at play when talking to a complete stranger, which having sat down and really thought about it, made a lot of sense:
- She might be genuinely busy
- She might not be in a good mood
- She might not be sociable
- She may not have great English
- She might think you're trying to sell her something
It did take off a huge weight off my shoulders having realised that it's not really all in my control. Sure I have to leave a good first impression and be a good distraction to their day, but ultimately there is nothing you can really do when it comes to their decision to talk to you or not.
I also noticed that different girls react to different things and that not every girl is going to appreciate the way that you approach.
The idea of stopping a girl from the front and giving her a direct compliment, while effective is very hit and miss and never really gives girls a chance to truly get to know you.
Bare in mind that you're a complete stranger to her and that she has nothing to judge you on except by what you present to her at that moment.
So approaching in a direct manner not only leaves little room for error in order to make that first impression, but also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on her to decide whether to like you or not.
Here's the reason why
We only want to spend time on things that are of value to us.
As far as being attractive is concerned, there are many ways to demonstrate your value to someone in order to make them want to talk to you. By going direct with a compliment, I realised that the only value I have to demonstrate at that moment, is my delivery of the approach and how I ultimately look to the girl. Because i'm putting all of my cards on the table from the beginning and not giving her a chance to invest or work in order to earn my attention equally.
She has to decide at that moment whether to want to talk to me or not.
By going the indirect route, without telling her I like her. There's less pressure, but also a tradeoff - It's harder for her to know why i'm talking to her, its dishonest but giving me the opportunity to provide value by offering her with fun and stimulating conversation.
It's an interesting dilemma to have to deal with because there's simply no way to know whether one or the other would work on a girl due to not knowing how they'll take it until you actually approach.
It definitely makes me understand what women are actually doing wrong in the courtship process. Many girls are simply clueless when it comes to capturing the attention of the opposite sex.
Some girls may argue that its not their fault and that it's up to the guy to see the signals. But many girls are simply too covert when it comes to giving them out.
Of course, some girls are going to be too shy to even show a guy attention, which is understood. But for the female readers amongst you, it should be quite clear that something as little as looking at a guy and smiling or perhaps even giving a slight glimpse is never going to be as difficult as actually running up to someone and approaching outright!
Without sounding bitter or giving off the impression that i'm female bashing. What I really want to emphasise in this post is that it would definitely make life a lot easier for guys if girls actually gave off clear signals of interest in order to give guys more courage to walk up and talk to them.
Especially when we consider the idea that the fear of not knowing whether his approach will be taken positively or not will always be a hindrance to his ability to actually do it.
The Good News
As I started to go out more and talk to more women. I started to see patterns in my interactions and noticed my skills improving in very subtle ways. While the things I've written so far may seem negative, the positive side to this is that your social calibration, your ability to read your environment and your ability to pick off subtle cues begins to become more sensitive. Almost like having a sixth sense.
You begin seeing things that normal guys can't see due to the increased levels of experience you acquire of talking to an abundant number of women. I could probably understand why - An average man will simply not talk to more than maybe 2 new girls a week assuming he meets them in a night club or bar after having a few drinks and building up the courage to go up and talk to them.
Meanwhile, i'm talking to on average, about 5 girls a day! it's evident why my skill set of reading and seeing the signals are going to be far better and more attuned.
Which goes back to my original question - Is it all in a man's control?
There's always going to be a dilemma as far as men's ability to talk and date loads of women is concerned. Socially, there seems to be a huge taboo on a man meeting and dating multiple women and are generally shamed for it or labelled as 'players'.
While I get the logic and reasoning behind it. My thoughts towards it are that if a man is to know how to interact and handle his relationships in a way that's attractive to women. He will have to practice and get good at it!
I don't know a single man who I could say had the natural intuition to just know what to do without doing any work before hand. In fact, most of the guys I know who are great with women typically became that way through trial and error by talking and dating loads of them.
Without digressing too much, my biggest lesson I learned in my second week of the challenge is that as I've started to become attuned to my interactions. It's becoming easier for me to actually talk to the women I approach due to slowly being able to see the subtle cues prior to approaching them. So I'm no longer starting to worry about whether my approach will be taken positively or not, because i've never had a negative response from a girl that gave me a positive cue so far. Which is great.
Here's a video I recorded of an approach I did while I was out in central London. It's the perfect example of a girl who gave me a positive signal, which turned out to be a great interaction. I took the time to break it all down to help illustrate the dynamic of the interaction and to make it easier to learn and understand.
Its clear that I still have a long way to go before I can honestly say that i'm good at approaching and forming relationships with people. There are far too many subtle things i've yet to pick up on and learn, but as I start to go out more over the coming days/weeks, I will definitely be sure to document it and try to explain it as succinctly as possible.
Wish me Luck!
Other Posts in the 180-Day Cold Approach Challenge
- Cold Approach Challenge (Week 1) – It Begins! (16/01/2014)